When I turned 30 last year, Alicia splurged on what we normally do-not-buy-expensive-gifts-for-birthdays; I am the proud owner of an i-touch. Call her my second love if you want. She arrived right around the time I was bilaterally activated. For you new readers, I wear two cochlear implants. I have accumulated a lot of music, television shows, audio books, games and sound effects. Sound effects? What?? Before I go any further let me clarify – from the age of 7 to 24 my hearing declined; as in progressively went down-hill. Gone were the everyday sounds taken for granted – water running, toilets flushing, enjoying music, and so forth. Four years ago I underwent surgery to implant my right ear, the decision wasn’t easy but it was necessary to accommodate the important aspects of my life. Four years later – I implanted my left ear. So why am I writing this?
My love, she has steals much of my daily attention, playing games, she puts rhyme and rhythm in my ears, and the television shows are just awesomely bad to watch. The computer geek guys at Apple clearly thought this device over when they allowed other geekets around the globe develop applications for said i-touch users. One rainy day I came across an application called “Fart”. If you have known me long enough, you know I am obsessed with bodily functions; typically a two year old will pass this phase, but for some undetermined reason, doctors cannot figure out why I haven’t matured.
Anyway, as a human I have to do business, sometimes at work, sometimes at home. Usually my business occurs at 1:30 pm every day. Oh – the greatness of being on a schedule. When men or where men do their business, there is not much estrogen around; consider this your warning. Men, we take pride in our business. Some do a trinkle and some do (much) more. My favorite is when John Doe is standing at the urinal, liquid coming from one end and suddenly rips a loud sound from the opposite end! Wow, amazing!! I honestly never, ever knew a human could do that – HUMANS – could do that, even in a public establishment. Enter my obsession with bodily functions. 1:30 pm on a typical day, I’m enjoying my usual stall; John Doe enters and picks his urinal. If I were an audiologist I’m sure his business is registering in the 60db range – that’s pretty damn loud folks. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, he rips one. This is where my love enters! Monopoly at task, I decide to challenge Mr. Doe and his auditory effect he just left me. As he rips one, I rip one out of my “fart” application – on this day I chose the “sloppy joe” – when I did, Mr. Doe immediately shuts the fire hydrant off and exits. Humanity has come (or gone) a long way in my years of declining silence. Wow.
Just imagine one day soon “The Farting Olympics”. I’ll “hear” you there; 1:30 pm at 1111 Constitution Ave., NW Washington, DC 4th Floor, tenth street elevator men’s room.
Do you hear what I hear?
Thursday, March 26, 2009
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